Nesting

Welcome to my blog about my Nesting Agreement

Friday 13 May 2011

Mommy #2?

Frequent phone calls by the kids to dad are a part of being separated.  On a recent phone call I overheard my daughter asking how Mommy #2 was doing.  Mommy #2?  I’d like to say that I didn’t react internally, but I’d be lying.  My first thought was panic.  Would Mommy #2 be the fun mom?  Would Mommy #2 be a better mom than me?  Then I quickly turned my thoughts around and realized that the best scenario for my kids would be that they have 2 moms.  I know deep in my heart that my kids will always love me.  I also know that my kids know that I love them.
I brought MY new “significant other” home to meet the kids.  My son was calm and cool at first but then opened up to him.  My daughter was “all in” from hello.  She even started referring to him as Daddy #2 by the end of the first get together.  I am not sure how daddy #1 will take this reference, but hopefully he’ll feel the same way I do.  The best scenario is that the kids have 2 moms and 2 dads that they know care about them and also makes their mommy #1 and daddy #1 happy. 
One of the many things my husband and I continue to share is our camper/RV/trailer that’s parked in a campground at a nearby lake.  If it’s your week with the kids, then it’s your week at the trailer.  As luck would have it, the first weekend ended up being my weekend with the kids.  So we load up in the car and head to lake not sure what we’ll find since I have never opened the trailer by myself before.  The kids jumped out of the car before it came to a complete stop and ran off in different directions to find their summer time friends.  The 90 pound black lab danced around our trailer lot, so happy to be at our weekend “get away”.  I unloaded the car and carefully opened the door to the trailer, worried about what I might find.  Spiders, critters, or remnants of critters all concerned me.  Luckily nothing attacked me and there were no signs of intruders, only some musty air and a little dirt.  So, I started a list of the things to do.  Rake the leaves, mow the lawn, weed eat, light the pilot light, turn on the water, clean the inside of the trailer, un-tarp the golf cart and go to the grocery store.  So I started raking.  I raked for a whole day.  Unbelievably, the kids kept coming to me wanting “to eat” and “go to the candy store” and go for a “ride on the golf cart”.  Were they serious?  I was sweating and my forearms and hands hurt.  I was exhausted and still hadn’t mowed the yard.  Then the dog wanted to eat.  Finally I said, “Let’s go home”. “NOOOOooooooo”, they cried.  ”Please, please, please, let’s stay”.  All I could think of was that I didn’t have any shower paraphernalia nor did I have deodorant!  I decided there was too much work to leave, so we stayed.  The kids ran to their friends, screaming that I was the best mom in the whole wide world.  I got dog food and some groceries and then I passed out with a smile on my face.
The next morning (my arms ached where they’ve never ached before) I made breakfast, finished raking, mowed the lawn, weed eated (is that a word?), cleaned the inside of the trailer and I FIXED THE GOLF CART!  The gas pedal was sticking, so I headed to our shed and found some 10W40 which I sprayed in all the nooks and crannies and it worked!  I sat down on my favorite swing and looked out at my work and was so proud of myself, I smelled bad, but I had accomplished a lot.  I then texted dad how much I appreciated all that he used to do for us every weekend.  I always appreciated his efforts, but now I REALLY appreciated the hard work he had to do!  Then I washed the dishes, turned off the water, and closed up the trailer.  I had to drag the kids and the dog into the car and head home where the lawn needed mowed and weed eated…. 
Our nesting agreement is working.  Our kids are happy and well adjusted.  I am learning to be self sufficient which makes me happy.  If I ever have a moment where I think, “you’re all alone”, I remember that I have been “alone” for a very long time even though I was married.  I have never regretted the path I have chosen and as I move further along this process I am constantly reminded that it was a great choice.  Staying in a loveless marriage and being unhappy is not what’s best for our children.  There are other options. 

Saturday 16 April 2011

Happy Birthday To Me!

My first birthday as a single mom has come and gone.  I had a wonderful day!  The kids went with their Dad last week to purchase gifts for me which was very nice of him.  They chose gift cards so that I can go buy what I want.  They gave me a cute card and sang happy birthday while eating cake.  My Mother In Law came for dinner and also gave me a card with money and a lottery ticket, which was very thoughtful.  I am very glad that I have a good relationship with my Mother In Law.  Since I live far from home and in a country where I have no family, other than my kids, it's nice that she came to celebrate with us.  I cooked ham, mashed potatoes, and asparagus; one of my favorite meals!  I also made my favorite cake; German Chocolate, which to "to die" for!  This was the first cake baked in my new/old oven and I am glad to find that it worked.  As much as I'd love new appliances, the old oven does the job.  As does the old dish washer, washer, and dryer.  The temptation to go into debt for new appliances is subsiding.  I refuse to buy anything that I can't pay cash for (except those symphony tickets that I just had to have for the coming season - including ones for Yo Yo Ma). 

I have always baked my own birthday cake.  I love to bake and cook and no one can make that cake the way I can so I'd prefer to make it myself and then enjoy it instead of have someone else try to make it and it not be very good.  That sounds awful, but it's my birthday and I want MY CAKE!  The only bad part of making my own dinner and baking my own cake is the mess that's in my kitchen...  I try to clean as I go, but at some point it got out of hand (I know you can relate).  But I'll wash the pots and pans and let old dish washer do the rest!  Here's a link to the icing for the cake (note that I use 2 sticks of butter instead of margarine - being from the South, I use butter).  http://allrecipes.com//Recipe/german-chocolate-cake-frosting-ii/Detail.aspx.  I cheat and use a Duncan Hines cake mix for the cake because I just didn't have enough time to make it from scratch.  http://www.duncanhines.com/

I have started a list of all the projects I need to do around the Nest.  I still need to finished my drywall patch job and switch out the light fixture as well as put in new trim (the old trim now has yellow paint all over it) and paint the ceiling (since there's paint all over it)!  My Dad advised that I purchase a meter for checking electrical current before working on the light fixture.  He almost died once when he thought he'd turned the power off but found out, after being shocked, that there was another power source and the wires were actually live (and he was laying in a puddle of water - long story)!  SO - guess what this means?  ANOTHER TRIP TO THE HARDWARE STORE!  I am not sure what to ask for.  The guys at Home Depot http://www.homedepot.com/ are very helpful though.  I guess I'll say, "I need a meter thingy to check for electricity before I switch out light fixtures so I don't get shocked".  They usually melt when they hear my Southern Accent and offer lots of unsolicited advice, all of which is greatly appreciated.  I have been warned, however, that the sales associates usually are not licensed electricians and I need to be careful accepting their advice.  I'll let you know how it turns out.

I am preparing for my first drive home alone.  I am not concerned at all and am looking forward to the drive.  I will download a couple of books onto my MP3 player before I head out http://audiobooks.borders.com/.  I love listening to audio books.  My most recent download is Rhonda Byrnes, The Power http://www.thesecret.tv/.  What a great book!  I have been practicing The Secret, her first book, for a couple of years now and love this additional resource for fueling my positive thinking.  I think I'll try out Tony Robbins, Awaken The Giant Within http://www.tonyrobbins.com/products/personal-achievement/.  A friend recommended it so I'll let you know what I think. 

Sunday 10 April 2011

I Meet The Girlfriend

Dad introduced our kids to his girlfriend a few weeks ago.  I knew that he had been seeing someone since our initial separation decision back in September/October.  The first meeting for the kids was more of a play date with her kids and an introduction to his "friend".  The next meeting was another play date but the kids are very smart and figured it out and he told them they were dating.  Our daughter was fine with this but our son was more skeptical.  Dad kept me informed of what was going on so I could look for signs of concern.  At our weekly family dinner I brought up the subject and our son, point blank, asked me if I was mad.  I told him that I was not mad and that I was happy for Daddy and only wanted him to be happy.  This seemed to make both kids relax and accept the situation. 

One weekend, both kids were in the local hockey championships.  This meant Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday (the finals) we were at the arena.  Dad sent  me a text to let me know that his girlfriend would be attending one of the games.  We met at the arena, shook hands, and then all sat together to cheer on the team.  Afterwards, the kids, Dad and the girlfriend left and I drove back to the townhouse.  Our son's team won the finals on Sunday so we all went out to a local restaurant with the team to celebrate.  We all sat together and ate dinner.  I was able to speak with Dad and his girlfriend during dinner and we got along fine.  It's important to me to have a friendly relationship with everyone involved.  Creating unnecessary conflict will only cause stress on the kids. 

This past weekend, Dad took the kids to stay at his girlfriends house for the weekend.  I am not sure how I feel about this situation and voiced my concerns to Dad.  Our separation agreement states that we will not have overnight guests at The Nest for one year but it does not specify taking the kids to someones house.  I will discuss this next week with my therapist.  My only concern is for the kids.  My understanding of the agreement is that we would not introduce overnight guests to the kids for a year, but this is gray area.  This would include going away or to someones house, in my mind.  When I look at the positives of this situation I see the kids having a great time with other kids, spending time with their Dad who is happy and in what seems like a stable relationship, and getting to do wonderful things like going to the beach for the day and eating out.  Should I create conflict?

So another week at the townhouse has come and gone.  It was a rough week.  I felt alone for the first time since this all began.  The kids are doing well so I am not letting it get me down.  I am finding things to keep busy and am planning my first vacation without kids or husband in 17 years.  I am going home to see my mother who has cancer.  We are going to spend the week together doing whatever she feels up to doing.  We may lay in bed all week watching movies which is fine with me.  We may venture out for a few quick trips to town or a bite to eat but mostly we are just going to hang out.  I have a friend flying in to meet her during the last half of the trip and he is going to drive back home with me and stay at the townhouse for a couple of weeks.

My friend and I have known each other for 6 years.  Now that we are both separated we have decided to date.  It's amazing to date someone that you've been friends with for so long.  We know each other so well on so many levels, but it never included a romantic or sexual side.  We had travelled together for work and always got along.  We talked about the world, business, relationships, etc.  We learned what foods we liked and got the point where we could order for each other and he'd automatically hand me his ketchup without me asking.  We'd finish each others sentences and knew what the other was thinking without speaking.  We were inseparable, but never crossed the line from friendship or even thought about it.  Coworkers commented on our friendship and I now know that some questioned if were having an affair, but we were just great friends that loved being together and worked tirelessly on many projects.  Now that we have crossed the line we have fallen into the most wonderful relationship that I have ever experienced.  A relationship that is based on friendship, mutual respect, and a desire to make each other happy.  We both know what we don't want in a relationship and we have found it amazingly easy to communicate our needs to each other.  My husband knows my friend and has given his blessing for us to pursue our relationship. 

So, as another chapter of my Charmed Life unfolds, I find myself with a happy husband and his new girlfriend.  My children seem fine with all that's going on.  I have a new relationship that's filling my life with love and excitement.  And I'm headed home to see my mom and spend time with her.  I am a very lucky person.

Saturday 2 April 2011

Butt Crack Engineering Lessons

The Nest needs some sprucing up.  My first project was to paint the trim in the main bathroom white.  The previous owner had painted it a hideous deep rose color while the walls were a sage green.  My initial thoughts were to lighten up the trim which would make the bathroom passable and then paint the walls a wonderful, cheerful yellow when I had time (I went ahead and bought the paint for the walls in an effort to save another trip to the hardware store - I'm learning).  The trim project was fairly uneventful and my 8 year old daughter helped so it was a great way to spend time with her and teach her how to paint.  I was satisfied with the trim and was correct that it made the bathroom passable until I had time to paint the walls. 

My caregiver asked me in passing if she could paint the walls and I said sure, not thinking to ask if she knew how to paint.  The very next day my daughter tells me that the bathroom is almost finished!  When I finally arrive back at the nest (it was my week at the townhouse) I was shocked to find yellow paint on the walla AND the freshly painted trim, the ceiling (which is white) and on all the other items on the walls (towel bar, toilet tissue bar, mirror, light fixture and even the nails that were left in the wall) all of which I had planned to remove.  Since I have been accused of being critical in the past I decided to tell my caregiver what a great job she did and then explained that you have to TAPE THE TRIM and all other items first (in a nice, teaching sort of way)!

I decided to remove the towel bar and the toilet tissue holder with a hammer and screwdriver.  I was shocked to find 3 fairly large holes in my wall when I was finished (now I know why my ex husband double dared me to do this in the past)!  So, I consulted the Internet and then a dear friend (aka butt crack engineer) to seek guidance.  I decided, after reviewing all the options, to cut drywall into small pieces and spackle the holes.  Guess what this meant?  ANOTHER TRIP TO THE HARDWARE STORE!  Drywall knives are expensive and sharp!  I already had an extra piece of drywall in the garage - bonus!

So today I decided to tackle the first step of the hole patching process.  I wrestled the drywall  onto the garbage can in the driveway.  I used the templates that I had made from the holes in the walls to draw the squares onto the drywall.  Then I cut the pieces, put the drywall back, had to get my 10 year old son help me put all the crap back that fell over in the garage when I pulled the drywall out and then ran upstairs to start the patching process.  I had to cut the first square down a little more since it was too big.  Then I decided it was easier to make the hole in the wall bigger.  I pushed the little piece of drywall and pushed and then beat it a bit and IT WENT RIGHT THROUGH AND DROPPED BEHIND THE WALL!  Now, I need to point out that my dear friend had advised me to screw a piece of wood into the area so this wouldn't happen but I didn't listen.  After taking a break and consulting with my butt crack engineer I tackled another piece.  This went much smoother.  I buttered the spackle onto the piece which helped keep it in place.  This reminded me of decorating cakes.  The spackle is a bright pink color and I was tempted to lick my fingers a number of times.  I emailed a picture of my first patch job to my friend a got an "at a girl"!  I did hole number two and then felt super human!  I ran downstairs, drug out the drywall, cut another piece and left the drywall in the driveway while I ran upstairs to repair hole number 3 (my momma didn't raise no fool).  By now, I'm a master at this!  I look at my work and realize that I can do anything!  I also have a new appreciation for these types of projects and the men that dread tackling them.  I put the drywall back (didn't need it again after all), straightened the garage and put the drywall cutting tool in my overflowing toolbox!  As soon as I vacuum the floor then I can rest while the spackle dries which I am advised should be overnight.  Tomorrow I will sand and then paint!

I may replace the yellow stained trim with new trim.  I am not sure if I'll need a special saw or not; must consult BCE.  I am definitely going to replace the light fixture which I figure I can do by myself.  And then my bathroom will be fresh and bright!  It's turned into a big project but I love learning and I really can do anything that I set my mind to do! 

Next project - redo the kitchen!

Monday 21 March 2011

Spring Break - Our First Holiday Without Dad

I am back from 10 days on the road with the kids to visit my mom who lives 13 hours away.  I have made this trip once before without Dad so I felt like a pro.  I made sure the car was tuned up, tires rotated, oil changed, and the gas tank was full.  I filled the empty front seat with bottled water and various treats and goodies for the kids and me.  One of the jobs my husband always handled wonderfully was loading lots of stuff into the trunk.  I must admit that there is an art to this task and I am slowly mastering it.  I learned that pushing and kicking works, but a curse word or two helps also. 

I doled out granola bars, carrot and celery sticks, water and then word find books and pens, magazines and a bag for the garbage in the first 10 minutes of the drive.  45 minutes into the drive I had to stop to use the washroom.  Then we sailed along for an hour or so and hit a snow squall that was comparable to a blizzard with very limited visibility.  But, you see, I live my charmed life by living the suggestions laid out in the book The Secret by Rhonda Byrne http://www.thesecret.tv/.  I know that the blizzard was there for a good reason.  So I slowed down and looked out for the reason.  We slowly drove through the blizzard and got back onto dry highway.  Up ahead I see flashing lights and we are made to exit the highway and find our own detour.  My GPS quickly recalculates and tells me to turn left which is the opposite of the 20 other cars in our pack.  But I do as I'm told.  The road we ended up on seemed like a dirt road, but I;m not sure since the snow was so deep I could hardly find the road most of the time.  I drove slowly and looked around at the beautiful farms and the lovely farm houses that I would not have gotten to see if this diversion had not arisen.  I happily drove by barns and tractors and was grateful for these folks that raise the food we need to stay healthy.  Finally we were able to get back on the road.  The only thing I could come up with was that the blizzard slowed us down so we weren't in the middle of the wreck that happened in front of us.  I'm fine with that.  If this had happened a few years ago there would have been a very unhappy testosterone filled specimen that would have been very cranky because our schedule was just disrupted and we are going to be late.  I never could figure out what we were going to be late for since we were just going to a hotel to spend the night along the route.  If the kids get to swim for an hour or so that's great, but they don't need 4 hours of swimming and it's not worth getting so crusty over....  So, my experience was full of serenity; until I needed to pee!  Luckily we found a washroom close by and were able to once again get on our way.  Other than the "sleeping" animals that we saw along the highway, everything went smoothly.  My son asked if I'd please stop drinking water so we wouldn't have to stop every 15 minutes to go to the bathroom.  I thought this was a reasonable request.

The second day on the road was fairly uneventful and we made it to our destination.  The kids hugged Nana, played with the dog and then announced they were bored and hungry :)  So I headed off to the grocery store, realizing as I went that this was one of the things my husband would do as soon as we arrived at my Mom's house.  But, I thoroughly enjoyed picking out foods that we can not get back home and looking through all the selections of items and realized that I had been missing out on this all along! 

Below are some of the highlights of our trip:

Day 3

WDVX Radio station - Hear live bluegrass music that's live on the air!  It's a great way for your kids to see live music in the middle of the day. http://www.wdvx.com/programs/blueplate.html

Market Square Mall - Visit local shops looking for new treasures.  http://knoxvillemarketsquare.com/

The Downtown Grill and Brewery - Lunch  http://www.downtownbrewery.com/

Day 4

Chuck E Cheese - Great place to take the kids!  Salad bar was great.  Pizza was good.  100 tokens take 16 minutes and 7 seconds to be used!  $50 later, more tokens were drank and it was only 1pm!  http://www.chuckecheese.com/

The Mall - You know your kids are growing up when they start shopping in the stores in the mall you remember.  Dragging my kids out of the mall seemed harder than my mom had to work to get me to leave. http://www.simon.com/mall/?id=202

Day 5

Wonderworks in Pigeon Forge - This place is amazing!  We spent 5 hours looking at all the exhibits and cool interactive areas.  My son felt what it was like to be in hurricane force winds.  There was an earthquake simulator.  My kids climbed a rock wall.  This place is worth every penny!  http://www.wonderworkstn.com/

Day 6

The Mass General Store - This is a store that everyone needs to see!  The kids and adults like it just the same.  You can't help going back in time when you look through the barrels of candy that we purchased when we were kids!  The relic toys are a treat and to see our children want one of them is a thrill.  http://www.mastgeneralstore.com/

Knoxville Museum of Art - Me and the kids enjoyed the museum and I was especially thrilled to see the Xiaoze Xie Amplified Moments Exhibit http://www.knoxart.org/exhibitions/Xiaoze-Xie/index.html

McKay Used Books - AMAZING!  Me and the kids had a blast looking at all the books on tape, CD's, movies, and games.   http://www.mckaybooks.com/

Day 7  was spent preparing for my grandfather's 95th birthday celebration!  We purchased the bread for the party at Panera Bread and ate lunch there, since it was lunch time and the kids were, yet again, starved.  Everything was wonderful, including the cinnamon roll that I ate that was as big around as my HEAD http://www.panerabread.com/

Day 8 - Papaw's party!  We worked all day, but the party went well.  The kids played in my Papaw's huge yard and had a blast.  I saw many relatives that I haven't seen since I was a small child.  It was a great event.

Then we headed back home on days 9 and 10.

Some observations learned on this trip:

  • I can load the trunk so that it closes if I try all the possible combinations of suitcases and no, it does not matter how long this process takes
  • I should not drink liquid in the car when on a 7 hour leg of a trip.
  • If I don't drink water for days on end other things start to stop up and create a whole new set of issues.
  • You can eat at Cracker Barrel for breakfast, lunch and dinner!
  • I need a detox program for coming off drinking sweet tea for 10 days straight!
  • I am 5 pounds heavier than when I left 10 days ago....
  • I can do anything!

On the way  home Dad texted us to see if we were on our way; we'd kept in touch the whole trip.  I texted back our ETA.  He responded that he misses the kids!  I responded that I needed a break!

I am now at the townhouse, listening to the silence.  I plan to have a hot bath and go to bed at 7pm.  I will read for a while but may fall asleep and the best part is that there's no one here to stop me!!! 

Friday 11 March 2011

Week 6 - Update On The Kids

It's week 6 and we are all settling into our routine nicely.  The kids have more friends and interaction with friends in our new neighborhood than ever before.  We have already had numerous sleepovers at the nest and my daughter slept over at a new friend's house as well.  Both have jumped into school activities with much enthusiasm.  My son has a girl friend now as well which is keeping him very happy and focused.  Both seem to be doing well in school and were able to pick up where their last school left off.  We are headed out for a week's vacation for March Break!  A trip to see Nana and Papa is greatly anticipated.  This will not be my first trip alone with the kids, so I am not worried in the least. 

Dad introduced them to a new love interest of his and the kids seem pleased that he is dating.  They were concerned at first that I would be mad, but once I assured them that I was very happy for daddy and wanted him to be happy, they seemed fine.  I also advised the children that I would be going on a date with a friend and they were fine with that too. 

I think they feed off our reactions to things.  If I were crying or mad or hurt, then they would feel that way.  But Mom and Dad are strong and positive and moving forward and they are going with it.  The worst thing we could do is be mean to each other in front of the kids or say bad things about each other to the kids.  We have family dinners every Wednesday night and the meals are pleasant and used to catch up on the week's events. Mom and Dad are able to chat easily and maintain a friendly atmosphere which is perfect for the kids.  In private, we have discussed each other's "relationships" and made sure we each understand where we are in the process so we can listen to the kids and work through any issues or questions that may arise. 

The kids are our #1 focus.  It's working!  I think the key to our success is the fact that our marriage was really over.  We were living like room mates.  And while this was a decent situation it was showing our children that it's o.k. to be in a loveless marriage.  It is not o.k. to live for years in a loveless marriage.  We need to live life to the fullest and not settle for anything less!  Our children will survive and will be better people for it.  I want my children to know that it's o.k. to make life changes in order to achieve complete happiness! 

Saturday 5 March 2011

Week 5 Realizations

It's the end of week 5 and I found out some things this week!  First, I found out that I really can get to the gym every other day.  I really enjoy working out, the equipment is easy to use and the programs are designed to get you in and out quickly (Good Life Fitness Clubs are awesome).  I can complete my workout in 1 hour and know I am getting results.  I feel stronger, have more energy, sleep better and feel better.  I also found out that I really can DO ANYTHING I set my mind to. 

One of the things my husband always did in our homes was install the blinds.  This week I decided to purchase the blinds (Home Depot cuts the blinds while you wait) for the entire upstairs of "the nest" and install them myself.  Here are some observations;

  • Power drills are VERY POWERFUL
  • You need to predrill holes for screws
  • Screws included in blind packaging are CRAP (could be the powerful drill too)
  • Removing screws when you mess up is difficult
  • 6 trips to the hardware store is not odd
  • A bigger tool box is going to be required
As you can see, installing the blinds was a challenge, but I did it and am very proud to see the results.  My daughter and I even painted the trim which had it own challenges but the result is a fresh look in the main bath.  We still have the walls to do, but that will take some time and more tools.  Removing the towel bar and tissue paper holder will result in holes in the wall which brings up a whole other project.  I am ready, I just need the time.  The balance of the blinds still need to be installed, but now I am a pro (and have a new cordless drill) and will work on these as time permits. 

This week created challenges but I stayed positive, asked for advice, purchased tools I'll use for years, and spent quality time working a project with my daughter!  I learned valuable lessons, like always predrill holes before inserting screws and power drills can hurt you, that I will carry with my throughout life.